This week’s blog is a short one – to make sure I’m prioritising health.
Last week, I took some time to focus on my creative work and for family reasons. I don’t normally take leave, and I found it incredibly difficult. I was still working a bit, and I was often very anxious when not working, because I felt like I should be. Sometimes, I struggle to treat my creative work as work. Because I enjoy it, I see it as less important, rather than remembering that it’s the only part of my work that only I can do.
I hate taking down-time. It makes me very anxious. I start to question my own self-worth. If I’m not working, who am I, and what is the point of me? I hate taking time off sick – I worked a full-time job and a part-time job while seriously ill in hospital. I can’t stomach down-time. As a disabled person, I feel like I always need to present to the world that I can do more than any non-disabled person. Be off work less than any non-disabled person. I set the standards way too high for myself.
This week. I’ve had an infection, a procedure in hospital, and some other really significant health challenges to navigate. I’ve not been able to work, had to cancel meetings, events, and step back and rest. That’s been replete with panic – I’ve been sitting there, too ill to work, and yet also too anxious to rest, and spend the time that recovery takes – all while knowing that if I don’t take that time, I won’t recover as quickly.
I’ve then had to realise that I can’t just work the weekend if I’m recovered enough by then – I still need to stop, rest, and recuperate – I need to spend time on my personal life, not just on being ill, or working.
So this is a short blog – and I’m signing off, getting some rest and prioritising health.